MONOLOGUE MONDAY

No jokes today

Why, you ask? Because we have a show on Thursday! We’ll be doing a Weekly Update and some sketches too! Come check it out! ImprovBoston at 9 pm.

Nothing in Heinzsight.

-A visiting professor at a university in the Netherlands was caught watching porn after a lecture when he forgot to disconnect his laptop from the projector. Students were horrified until they checked the syllabust.

-After conducting more tests, Britain’s Food Standards Agency discovered traces of horse meat at several Taco Bell locations. More surprisingly, they found traces of beef in the tacos too.

-In music news, the Stone Temple Pilots fired singer Scott Weiland without stating why. Sources believe he was fired for drinking, as that’s what most pilots get fired for.

-In Reno, Nevada a giant traffic jam occurred after a truck carrying 42,000 pounds of ketchup spilled onto the highway. Colonel Mustard has been brought in for questioning.

- ”Friend zone” was officially added to the dictionary, so now I guess I have to define all of my relationships.

-The Girls Gone Wild franchise has filed for bankruptcy, or as Joe Francis likes to call it: spankruptcy.

-Before he was allowed to file for bankruptcy, the government made Girls Gone Wild founder, Joe Francis, lift up his shirt.

-Voters have decided that Pluto’s newest moon will be named Vulcan. Just like the voters, this moon has never been touched by anyone.

-At a press conference, President Obama mixed up Star Wars and Star Trek, saying he would have to perform a “Jedi mind meld” to get Republicans to trim spending to avoid the sequester. Before leaving, Obama asked his Secret Service to set their phasers to “force.”

How do you want that cooked? Medium mare.

-Ikea is the latest company to join the European meat scandal after horse meat was detected in their Swedish meatballs. I don’t mean to eat a dead horse, but this scandal is getting ridiculous.

-Though the tainted Swedish meatballs are limited to Europe, people in the United States are remaining cautious. In fact, the Muppets are now testing everything in the Swedish Chef’s kitchen.

-Adele won her first Oscar for the song “Skyfall.” Sources believe she wrote the song after her ex-boyfriend broke the sky.

-A Disney producer was kicked out of the Oscars on Sunday after she got caught throwing paper airplanes. Security didn’t take action until they noticed that Denzel Washington was flying one of them.

-The Fung Wah bus company, notorious for crashes and engine fires, pulled most of its fleet off the road today after state inspections discovered structural cracks in several of the company’s buses. Until the buses are fixed, travelers are encouraged to use ANY OTHER MEANS OF TRAVEL.

-Anne Hathaway took home the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her role in Les Misérables.  Based on her appearance, however, critics believed Anne Hathaway should’ve starred in The Perky of Being a Wallflower.

-Former Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, passed away in New Hampshire. He is survived by his wife, children, and Civil War-era beard.

-According to a study, 59% of tuna eaten by Americans is not tuna. Upon hearing this, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, “It’s not a tuna.”

-Mississippi lawmakers ratified the 13th Amendment, which banned slavery in 1865. Next, they’ll check out this thing called the “telephone.”

-The lineup for this year’s Bonnaroo music festival was announced this week and includes headliners Paul McCartney, Mumford & Sons, and R. Kelly. When asked, R. Kelly assured his fans that he’ll have nothing to do with the smell of urine.

-Lindsay Lohan claims the she was never read her Miranda rights. When asked, police said they thought Samantha rights were more appropriate.

Vatican’t City

-Today, hackers gained control of the Burger King Twitter account and changed it to an advertisement for McDonald’s. The suspect has been identified as the Hamburgler.

-A Guatemalan woman was arrested at Panama’s international airport for trying to enter the country with $31,000 in her stomach. She’s being charged with putting her money where her mouth is.

-An antique mirror that previous owners claim is haunted has been sold on ebay for $155. If the new owners think the mirror is scary, they should see the matching weight scale.

-Chris Brown crashed his Porsche in Los Angeles while being chased by paparazzi. Police were surprised that Chris Brown didn’t try hitting the brakes.

-A woman in the Cayman Islands fought an intruder by biting him, which resulted in her losing a tooth. Police were impressed by the woman, saying that she was really taking a bite out of crime.

-Last week, the executive board of the Boy Scouts of America decided to delay until May the decision on whether to lift the ban on gay members, which explains the Boy Scouts’ new motto: be unprepared to do the right thing.

-A man in Logansville, Georgia, who was arrested for a DUI, claims that aliens transported him to the site where his car crashed. Police also found several bottles of Romulan ale in the vehicle.

-McDonald’s new McFish Bites have started to spring up at chains around the country, though don’t expect them to last too long, as it’s only a matter of time before we find out they’re made of seahorse meat.

-Norway recently announced plans to broadcast a 12 hour prime-time show of a fire place. This will premiere in time for May chimney sweeps.

-Today, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will resign at the end of the month due to health concerns. Catholics aren’t worried, though, for as long as there is a college of cardinals, pope springs eternal.

The King and CSI

-President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday that he’s ready to take the risk of being the first Iranian astronaut sent into space as part of Iran’s goal of a manned space flight. Said the rest of the world, “Yes, please take that risk.”

-A judge is Russia was fired after falling asleep while on the bench during a trial. It seems as though justice isn’t blind, but needs a nap every now and then.

-Today, a team of archaeologists announced that the 500 year old remains of a body found beneath a parking lot in the city of Leicester, UK, do in fact belong to ancient English King Richard III. When asked, the king was like, “A hearse! A hearse! My kingdom for a hearse!”

-A man from West York, Pennsylvania was buried with his favorite food item, a Whopper Junior.  He initially wanted to be cremated, but decided on being flame broiled.

-In China, a man sued his wife for giving birth to an ugly baby, citing that she must have cheated on him to conceive such an ugly infant. This is the first time a lawyer has actually argued, “U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, hey, hey, you ugly, WOO!”

-Porn star, Coco Brown, is training to be the first porn star to be in outer space. The rocket she will be riding in will surely go off with a bang. 

-In the midst of celebrating their Super Bowl win, the Ravens, according to head coach John Harbaugh, misplaced the Lombardi Trophy. Upon hearing this, the San Francisco 49ers were like, “Yeah, we lost it too.”

-Two women were caught trying to smuggle in cocaine through JFK International Airport. Police were suspicious upon noticing all of the junk in their trunk.

-To celebrate Rosa Parks’ 100^th birthday, the US Postal Service has created a new stamp with her image. What’s more, if you put the stamp on an envelope it will not budge.

Germany could use a little gun control…

-Male German soldiers have been developing breasts due to gun drills that stimulate the mammary glands. When they are wounded, instead of receiving Purple Hearts they will receive Purple Nurples.

-During her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes, Jodie Foster hinted that she might be gay, which would explain why she directed The Beaver.

-In China, a man phoned police because the Spicy McChicken sandwich he ordered at McDonald’s was too spicy. After the police were of no help, the man wished he had called General Tso.

-Danica Patrick filed for divorce this week, citing she felt her marriage was just going in circles.

-Traces of horse meat were found in burgers in the U.K. and Ireland, which explains Burger King’s new jingle: “A horse is a first course, of course, of course.”

-A new celebrity death hoax has led people to believe that the rapper, Shaggy, was killed this week during a bar fight. When asked if he knew who started the hoax, Shaggy said, “It wasn’t me.”

-A news crew in Florida was attacked by a swarm of bees during a live report. On the plus side, the cameramen were able to film a lot of bee-roll.

-A man in Alabama tried to rob a Starbucks, but settled for a cup of coffee when the barista couldn’t open the register. It looks like robbing a Starbucks is a tall order.

Hey listen

So we’re in New York City. We just saw Beige kill it at UCB. We’re about to see Onassis. It’s been a busy day of eating and drinking. What we’re trying to say is we’ll post a new monologue on Thursday.

Also we love this city. We’re going to move here. More on that later.

Love Ashley & Tom

Next week’s monologue will be written in New York City. We couldn’t be more excited! Stay tuned!