-Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler announced that he will no longer be an American Idol judge. Producers have already replaced him with a pile of cured lunch meats wearing leopard print scarves.
-Some sad news… TV legend Andy Griffith just passed away. According to his will, he’s leaving everything to Beaver.
-Drug tunnels have been discovered between the border of the U.S. and Mexico. In these tunnels, federal agents found rail car systems, 40 tons of marijuana, and 5 moles eating pizza and watching reruns of Workaholics.
-Adele has announced that she’s pregnant. Now we know what’s rolling in the deep.
-Thousands of people were without internet access due to a new computer virus. As a result, productivity at work was at an all-time high.
-CNN anchor Anderson Cooper has revealed that he’s gay. This just out…
-Mitt Romney was booed during his address to the NAACP. Attendees said they were not pleased when he ended his speech by shouting, “Now can I get an Amen?”
-After his speech to the NAACP, Mitt Romney made things worse when he tried to complicate the handshake.
-China’s government recently blocked searches of the word “truth,” making it a postmodernist paradise.
-After announcing earlier this month that he and Katie Holmes would be divorcing, Tom Cruise issued an apology to Oprah’s couch.
-Today, cannibal cult members were arrested for eating human brains and making penis soup. When brought in for questioning one member said, “We had some extra fava beans and a nice Chianti we needed to use.”
-Rapper Drake and Chris Brown got into a fight the other day. I don’t know which the bigger story is: the fact that Drake hit Chris Brown or the fact that a Canadian was violent towards another person.
-Daniel Tosh apologized for the rape joke that was targeted at a female audience member. Everyone else is still waiting for an apology for all of his jokes.
-In restaurant news, Burger King has introduced the bacon sundae. Sundaes will come in sizes small, medium, and fat ass.
-A funeral home in South Carolina will now be serving Starbucks to its guests. Their Half & Half cream-ation is making the mourners feel “uneasy.”
-A testicle-eating species of fish has been found in a lake in Illinois. Authorities are warning swimmers to stay near the surface, as the fish like to go balls deep.
-The National Ocean Service has made an announcement stating that mermaids do not exist. Millions of people are relieved, but are still troubled by the leprechauns that are living in their trees.
-Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank wed his longtime partner last week, -becoming the first sitting congressman to enter into a same-sex marriage. When asked, the other congressmen were like, “I thought all marriage was the same sex.”
-In Detroit, two local men were arrested after firing gun shots at each other over who made the best Kool-Aid. When asked if he felt responsible for the violence, the Kool-Aid Man exclaimed, “OH YEAH!”
-Earlier this week, Chumbawamba announced that they will be splitting up. Upon hearing this, fans of the band were knocked down, but they’ll get up again.
-A man survived three weeks in U.S. desert by eating frogs and drinking river water. In a related story, a memorial service for Kermit the Frog will be held later this week.
-It’s that time of year again when thousands of tourists flock to Pamplona for the running of the bulls, or as the bulls call it, chasing of the morons.
-Taco Bell recently fed a small town in Alaska with 10,000 tacos. Soon after, the entire town was wiped out by large sewage plant flood.
-A Michigan woman kept a dead body for 18 months and watched NASCAR with it. She said she would have turned in the body earlier, but she was waiting for someone to make a right turn.
-The other day, TSA agents at San Francisco International Airport stopped the man with the world’s largest penis after they thought he had a bomb in his pants. Upon further inspection, the agents realized it was just a tray in its upright and locked position.
